Aylanea shakes her head a little bit at that. "I"m sorry you missed out on the graduation. Look around though. Not everyone is upper commissioned. Amdahl certainly didn't graduate. She never even went through it at all, actually." She frowns just a little bit and sighs softly. "I'm sorry you lost everyone you flew with before. But them being lost isn't your fault either. Even if you were up there, if it was bad enough to kill all of them, all that would have probably changed is that you would have been killed right along with them. You're only damaged goods if you let yourself be, by blaming yourself for everything. What happened to me isn't anyone's fault."
She pauses a moment then. "Not that I really know anything. I didn't graduate that long ago. I'm actually glad it was me rather than someone else. Burden of responsibility is on me partially as squad exec, and we've never actually lost anyone, even if Amdahl came close a couple times. She's got her own problems though, and is Lt. Ishida's concern more than mine now."
She looks down at the floor then. "I have to care about what happens to everyone. And again, I'm sorry. But my concern has to be making sure that your own bleeding heart won't end up being what gets you killed. Especially if it's survivor guilt. That's a particularly nasty and potentially self-sabotaging one… From what I recall hearing, the people who think they shouldn't be alive because the people they knew aren't have a tendency towards being either potentially suicidal, or being too aware of it in the wrong circumstances. If they think they shouldn't be alive, they seem to sometimes find a way to make it happen, even if it isn't at their own hand. But then, that's only what I remember hearing or reading somewhere… But since I have to worry about what happens to everyone else, I have to be concerned about it and make sure it isn't going to happen." She pauses. "Asides, wouldn't those people you flew with want you to stay alive, and taking it to the enemy for what they did, anyway? You're in a position to do that here, whatever the brass thinks. The brass who think stuff like that don't know anything anyway, their asses have sat in chairs too long. Too old and 'set' on things."
"And… don't think I'm going to come back and beat you up. I don't do stuff like that. And if those other people decide to try and do it, it's going to be a bigger problem, Lt. Fairman won't put up with it either. I'd suggest you give Ishida a wide berth with it unless Fairman or I are around, though, to… gently remind her that handling issues with the flight team is him and I's job more than it is hers."
